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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24056332">What If</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/euphoric_tae/pseuds/euphoric_tae'>euphoric_tae</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>ATEEZ (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>//hits the woah //, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Really fucking angsty, actually they both are, breakdowns, cursing, hongjoong is scared, lots of projecting (srry not srry), practice room is a very sad place ayee, seonghwa is shit at using words to describe his feelings, seonghwa still loves hongjoong, seongjoong broke up and now theyre trying to fix shit, yeosang is seonghwas emo support</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 18:06:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,480</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24056332</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/euphoric_tae/pseuds/euphoric_tae</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Seonghwa fucked up, he fucked up big (3) time, but after everything that keeps on happening he still cant get himself to stop loving the one person that he keeps ruining the most. </p><p>So what does he do, he decides to finally put things right. </p><p>in reality it had been 1 month and 14 days since Hongjoong had broken up with Seonghwa (even though Seonghwa swears he wasn't counting how long)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>What If</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>aye // hits the woah // i // hits the woah //  am // hits the woah //  back.. ok i'll stop,, miss me?? (yes ofc u do) </p><p>anyGays, this was kinda something that i should have written a longgggg time ago but tonight it really just hit me so i hope it ok?? anyways its just a lot of self projecting and i hope that you enjoy??</p><p>ok i'm done, enjoy!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>1 month, it had been exactly 1 month and 14 days since Hongjoong had said those words.</p><p>Of course, Seonghwa wasn’t counting... or was he? Well he was fine now, completely over it, he had to be fine, it was for his own good, after all there was no point dwelling on the past, no second opportunities now.</p><p> </p><p>He knew that if he let himself ‘feel’ and think about it that this continuous circle would never end.</p><p> </p><p>And it didn’t...</p><p> </p><p>It never ends, it never will end, because somethings are just that way, the human heart is such a complicated and stupid thing, and he hates it, he hates how he can constantly feel this way about someone.</p><p> </p><p>He hates how he can lose all feeling but then again be swept off his feet, he feels robbed in a way, robbed of his own heart, confused… is more like it.</p><p> </p><p>Three times, three! Times!! It has been three times now, three times of loving, three times of drowning, three times of being swept of his feet, completely in for it, completely passionate completely happy, completely broken. And yet his heart won’t sit him down and give him a lecture.</p><p> </p><p>He knows that its bad, it was bad after the first time, bad after he initiated things first, but of course poor old ‘park Seonghwa’ had just ignored the problems and thrown himself in for it.</p><p> </p><p>Two words.</p><p> </p><p>‘Big. mistake.’</p><p> </p><p>It was a big mistake, a big mistake on letting him open his heart up, letting himself go, letting himself feel, letting his heart decide for once.</p><p> </p><p>Let me re phrase that.</p><p> </p><p>It had been 1 month and 14 days since Hongjoong had broken up with Seonghwa, why you ask? Well he doesn’t even know either.</p><p> </p><p>And just like that they had cut it off.</p><p> </p><p>No heart to heart conversations, no getting angry at each other, just a simple “lets break up”</p><p> </p><p>And so, what did Seonghwa do, he said “sure”</p><p> </p><p>And it left Seonghwa feeling empty, feeling like there was another void in his heat. Just when he had thought saying “sure” would fix all his problems, it didn’t. it only made them worse.</p><p> </p><p>Just when he had thought this was over, that this constant heartache to have Hongjoong was gone, it wasn’t.</p><p> </p><p>They didn’t speak, unless if they were having group discussions, they did even sleep in the same room together, basically Hongjoong had dedicated his whole life to his studio, (even if he did already) now it was 10 times worse.</p><p> </p><p>And if it wasn’t for Yeosang telling Seonghwa to “go sort things out with Hongjoong” then he never thought that he would have to speak to Hongjoong about this again.</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa didn’t want to speak about it, he wanted to let it go and he tried oh so desperately hard to get over it.</p><p> </p><p>But in reality Seonghwa thought about Hongjoong 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 12 months a year. It never stopped.</p><p> </p><p>Everywhere he went his mind would scream Hongjoong, everything he did, everyone he spoke to. It all led back to Hongjoong.</p><p> </p><p>It was like every time Seonghwa let himself think his mind would go back to a file called ‘happy little memories with Joong’ open that shit up and pull out whatever memory he could find of them two.</p><p> </p><p>And I guess that could have been one of the reasons that he had agreed with Yeosang that night.</p><p> </p><p>But It was time, something had to happen and it had to happen now, no more pretending, no more ‘its fine’ because truth be told he wasn’t. he had been drowning in his thoughts for as long as he could remember.</p><p> </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>“… and I think for the rest of the week we’ll just rest, make sure to get lots of sleep boys and don’t skip your meals. I need everyone to stay fit and healthy...also try not to go out too much, maybe just to get some food or for a quick walk, we can’t afford to have any members contract that pandemic that is going around, ok?”</p><p> </p><p>The members all nodded as their manager waved them goodbye as he left the studio. Seonghwa inhaled as he walked over towards his water bottle noticing Yeosang walking his direction from the corner of his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“so.”</p><p> </p><p>“so what?” Seonghwa sat down on the bench followed by a sweaty Yeosang next to him. Yeosang turned his head, eyes now fixed on Seonghwa’s side profile as he followed Seonghwa’s gazed, which stood out like if a laser was connected from his eyes.  </p><p> </p><p>Hongjoong, of course he was staring at Hongjoong.</p><p> </p><p>Yeosang let out a small chucked and he lent back.</p><p> </p><p>“Seonghwa just talk to him, it’s clear that you’re not over him”</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa listens, but he was too distracted by whatever Hongjoong was doing to actually take in what the younger had said.</p><p> </p><p>“Hwa” Yeosang slightly tapped Seonghwa’s thigh.</p><p> </p><p>“ah sorry?” Seonghwa fell back to join Yeosang.</p><p> </p><p>“you should go talk to him” Yeosang was now watching Hongjoong.</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa didn’t say anything, he just let out a little sigh hoping that it was enough to give Yeosang the sign that ‘no he didn’t want to talk to him’.</p><p> </p><p>So Yeosang just sat there waiting, as he draws his gaze back to Seonghwa’s face. He studies Seonghwa’s face, watches how his eyes soften when Hongjoong starts laughing at something Wooyoung said, how he tries to see the emotions swimming in Seonghwa’s eyes and figure them out.</p><p> </p><p>“I can’t.” it sounded blunt, like he was defeated. His eyes projecting down towards his lap where his hands lay.</p><p> </p><p>Yeosang inhaled, “I see the way you look at him you know, the way you’re eyes sparkle whenever he smiles, I see the concern in your eyes, god Seonghwa if you could see yourself right now” he chucked softly shaking his head. “fuck, you need him, and I know for a fact that he needs you”. He got up making a remark as Seonghwa groaned playfully kicking the younger.</p><p> </p><p>“I hate you” he mumbled.</p><p> </p><p>“love you too Hwa, now go get your lover boy” Yeosang said in a singsong voice as he started to make hearts only to see Seonghwa’s frustration grow and he tried to kick him even harder.</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa walked Yeosang out towards the door, three of the members still in the practise room talking, which included Hongjoong so it was either now or never knowing how long Hongjoong would spend in his studio tonight.</p><p> </p><p>After a while the others started to walk towards the door, Seonghwa’s mind running 195mph.</p><p> </p><p>His chances literally tick by as Hongjoong took closer steps towards the door, and as the younger grabbed the door handle an alarm went off in Seonghwa.</p><p> </p><p>“Hongjoong wait.” He reached forwards tugging on the younger’s wrist, it wasn’t too hard, not to soft, just enough to feel more of like a comforting touch, and Hongjoong couldn’t help but fall into it, even though he told himself not to, told himself he had to go. But it was park Seonghwa, how could he just brush it off.</p><p> </p><p>Hongjoong turned stopped, Seonghwa still latching onto Hongjoong’s hand, and I guess in a way Hongjoong was kind of thankful that Seonghwa hadn’t had let go.  </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>‘Ahh shit what have I done’ </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Hongjoong turns his head and hums, giving Seonghwa enough assurance that he was going to stay.</p><p> </p><p>So, the elder let go of Hongjoong’s hand, Hongjoong instantly feeling the cold hit him again.</p><p> </p><p>And this is the first time Seonghwa is properly able to look at him, not from a far glance, or just a quick gaze, but actually properly look at Hongjoong’s face, take in all his features. He noticed dark circles now take place under his eyes, how his black roots had consumed so much of the blonde colour now.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>He asks himself ‘was it that dark before?’ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>At some point, after what feels like hours staring at Hongjoong’s face Seonghwa finds it in himself to get out at least a couple of words, as he reverts his gaze back to his hands.</em>
</p><p> </p><p><em>When he lifts his eyes, Hongjoong is looking up at him. Seonghwa feels the hurt build and the anger from the last month bubble up and burst, and when Hongjoong quickly looks away like he's been caught doing something </em>wrong.</p><p> </p><p>After a month he hadn’t even thought of this kind of scenario, when he had literally gone over everything that they had done, everything he had done wrong, everything that he could have don’t differently and not once did he think of what to say to Hongjoong once he finally got the change to grasp the youngers attention.</p><p> </p><p><em>They are</em> best friends<em> for fuck's sake, but for a month and 14 days, they’ve been acting like nothing had happened, like they didn’t just </em>break each other’s hearts.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Seonghwa feels both upset and annoyed.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"Hey, can we talk?"</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“s-sure” Hongjoong stumbled upon his words, his voice coming out like he hadn’t had spoken in days.</p><p> </p><p>It wasn’t fair, the height difference instantly made Hongjoong look smaller and fragile, if anyone where looking at them they could easily say that Hongjoong looked like the victim of a very very bad break up.</p><p> </p><p>“I don't know what to say”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Hongjoong looked up. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry…God I'm really really fucking sorry, I'm sorry that I made you feel like that, I really am- I just, I hate that I'm saying this but I can't do anything about it, I still fucking love you and I don't think I ever will stop.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Seonghwa braced himself, trying to control himself. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“you what”</p><p> </p><p>Hongjoong was now looking down, bangs covering his eyes and Seonghwa noticed his heavy breathing and trembling shoulders.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>‘fuck’ </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“i- aa” Seonghwa began trying to find anything to say, just to fill in the space.</p><p> </p><p>“no” Hongjoong said sharply, he sounded so strong but yet his voice sounded so broken at the same time.</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa shut his mouth feeling sorry for the younger, he didn’t want to push Hongjoong nor say anything out of line, so he just let him be, like that for a little bit. The room was silent apart from Hongjoong’s quiet sniffles that he so desperately tried to hide.</p><p> </p><p>“you know, Seonghwa, I’m sorry too” he chucked, but it sounded so sad and empty “Kinda sucks that it went that way… maybe, maybe just, our understanding of love isn’t the same”</p><p> </p><p>“maybe” Seonghwa mumbled  </p><p> </p><p>“honestly, all I wanted from you was to feel any trust, like I wanted to feel that you could trust me…you could just let yourself go sometimes, I wanted you to feel like you could trust me and let go and tell me everything, I wanted to make sure that you knew I was there”</p><p> </p><p>“Seonghwa” Hongjoong let out a breath.</p><p> </p><p>“hmm” he hummed back</p><p> </p><p>“you know I struggle with that, fuck, I tried so hard to open up to you, tried so hard to just let myself feel, let myself let go”</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa couldn’t tell if the younger was angry or upset or just a mix of both.</p><p> </p><p>“and... and god, I hate this!!” he slammed his fist against his thigh, Seonghwa’s instincts instantly wanting to just reach out and grab his hand.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>‘stop you’re hurting yourself’ </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“I want to be mad, but all I feel, I- I just feel bad, bad for you” he stopped.</p><p> </p><p>“the way you ignored me like that, for a month Seonghwa, I was dying so badly, for a MONTH.” He raised his voice. “you seemed so happy, so fine about it, and it just made me so angry that you could be fine over what had just happened.”</p><p> </p><p>Seonghwa felt his throat tighten and his eyes grow watery as he exhaled trying to calm his breathing, he didn’t dare look up at the other, why… because he already knew how devastated the younger would look, how his face would scrunch up, his eyes become glassy, with hot angry tears.</p><p> </p><p>“Seonghwa, I felt so forgotten… I felt like nothing to you… I felt so, so”</p><p> </p><p>And just like that, just like that the dam broke and Hongjoong let out a sob, echoing throughout the practice room. And when it hit Seonghwa it felt like a slap in the face, no more like a fucking stab to the heart. He was itching to take to younger into his arms, kiss his tears away, hold him so fucking tight and promise that he would never get hurt again, because Kim fucking Hongjoong deserved the world and Seonghwa couldn’t give it to him.</p><p> </p><p>But right now, right here Seonghwa barely knew this man. Seonghwa stands here, in front of someone he barely knows, because this wasn’t the Kim Hongjoong he knew, this was someone else, someone unfamiliar to him, this was Kim Hongjoong letting himself feel for once and maybe, just maybe Seonghwa had finally found the right key to unlock the chest, he had finally released Hongjoong from himself.</p><p> </p><p>“it wasn’t supposed to turn out like this huh,” Seonghwa joked, wiping his own tears that had managed to escape, hopefully trying to ease the mood, Hongjoong finding it in himself to crack a small smile.</p><p> </p><p>“aghhhh, I thought we could have made it work this time, you know. I just, I hate that it went down this way, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it” Hongjoong pulled at his hair.</p><p> </p><p>Hongjoong finally looked up for the first time and Seonghwa decided that he had to fucking face him if he wanted to fix them, no matter have broken Hongjoong already looked.</p><p> </p><p>“You know, you had such an effect on me Seonghwa, I don’t even know how it was possible, but you made me open up so easily, you made it so easy for me to love you” Hongjoong chucked, as the rubbed the sleeves of his sweater at his tears.</p><p>“This whole time, it was just so much easier to say that it was okay and pretend i wasn’t hurt, over that excuse of a break up, because this is what happens when I start talking” They both laughed, Seonghwa feeling the need to hug Hongjoong even more now.</p><p> </p><p>“Fucking hell I missed talking to you” Seonghwa let out a breath feeling the heavy weight that was once on his shoulders slowly melt away.</p><p> </p><p>“me too” Hongjoong smiled as he fell into Seonghwa’s arms, it made Seonghwa feel alive, because it felt right, Hongjoong was supposed to be there, he belonged there in his arms. It felt warm and soft and fresh, god it felt so many things and Seonghwa didn’t realise how much he missed that feeling up until now.</p><p> </p><p>“Joong..”</p><p> </p><p>“hmm”</p><p> </p><p>“just promise me one thing…” Hongjoong lifted his head to look up at the elder.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t fucking leave me like that again.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hopefully that wasnt too bad?? ( i feel like i always say this HAHA) </p><p>but ty for supporting me like always and leaving kudos// comments, it really keeps me motivated and going!! &lt;33</p><p>&gt;&gt; my twt :") @hwascloud</p></blockquote></div></div>
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